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In the beginning there was OCD

My earliest memories of being different.

The Blog below may all seem quiet dull and unimportant and not exactly an exciting read and for that I apologise I think it’s important to try and start at the beginning or there about’s so please bare with me.

My earliest memory of OCD I would say was when I was about 6, yes 6 years old.  I may as I go on remember earlier stuff but until then I would say I was about 6 though I don’t ever remember being without what I now know to be OCD.

As I walked down the pavement behind my mum and sister, for what ever reason I rubbed my left shoe on the back of my right calf, maybe an itch I really don’t know , all I do know is that moments later I was compelled to repeat this activity again and then again and again, I remember My mum asking what I was doing and eventually becoming quite frustrated, I was holding them up as every time I needed to perform this odd little ritual I stood still and slowly the gap between me and the others widened.

I have just realised that it is probably the fact that my Mum commented on the incident that has made it  a mark able memory, what I don’t know is if this was the first time I was forced to consciously consider and or explain  my behaviour. Perhaps prior to that I completed many “rituals” without even considering why but given the barrage of reasons that drive me to perform them now I doubt it.

Strangely it has made me remember another incident maybe around the same time may be not but certainly in my younger child hood. We caught a bus, this was a rarity as we usually went everywhere by car. We were on the return Journey to my Grandparents and I noticed that people at the bus stops were putting there hand out to stop the bus, I questioned this and my Mum explained the procedure, she then pointed out that on the bus stop signs it said “Request stop only”. Following this I felt compelled to read and say out loud “request stop only” at every other stop we encountered, this was not the act of an inquisitive child it was much deeper than that and I’m sure would be vital to avoid some form of emotional pain or disaster in my mind but I can’t remember the reason.

So certainly from the age of 6 and maybe way before I was in reality mentally Ill.

I’m told that many children go through stages of obsession during the various stages of development, I can see this I see children now who are obsessed with various things but I do not for one minute think this was the explanation for my behaviours, but in fairness I do think that any one noticing these oddities could easily have explained it away as normal development.

It’s important to remember that I don’t have memories with out OCD so to me the way my head functioned and therefore the way my tiny world could be affected by my actions may have appeared normal to me, but somehow I always new that I was different may be because no one ever openly discussed performing rituals to avoid terrible things or maybe because I never witnessed anyone else behaving like I did, what ever, I do know that I tried to hide my behaviours and that if we go back to the shoe rubbing incident it never crossed my mind to explain the true reason for doing this to my mum I new that wasn’t normal and so explained it away by having a itchy leg.

I don’t know if every area of my life was constantly affected as a child but I know these examples were far from isolated and if they weren’t constant it wasn’t long before they came so.